Do You Listen to Understand or Listen to React?

In our daily interactions, are we truly listening to understand, or are we simply listening to react? 

This question took on new meaning for me recently during a program I coached at IMD called Mobilizing People. In my group, six highly skilled leaders from diverse industries gathered, each bringing impressive talents, perspectives, and vivid personalities. Yet, much like having “too many cooks in the kitchen,” the synergy the team aimed for (they named the team the “Synergy Squad”) didn’t materialize. Instead, tensions rose, and frustration mounted. Watching video-recording of them in action during the outdoor day revealed it all: “We’re not listening to each other,” some began to say. And so, I asked them the question: Are you listening to understand, or are you listening to react?

After a moment of silence, the truth surfaced. “Mostly, we’re listening to react.” they admitted. And so began a powerful exploration: the more we don’t feel understood, the more we lean toward reacting. This creates a spiraling cycle where reaction breeds misunderstanding, and misunderstanding fuels reaction, eroding genuine connection.

What’s in the Way? Why We Listen to React? 

If the problem is so clear, why is the symptom so persistent? Why, even when we see the pitfalls, do we keep listening merely to react? To answer that, we need to travel inward, to confront our attitudes, our inner theatre of feelings and reactions, and perhaps even hidden motives that subtly influence our capacity to listen.

Two Attitudes Toward Listening: Fixing vs. Wondering

Breaking the cycle begins with understanding two distinct mindsets—or attitudes—that shape how we listen.

1. The anxious “Fix-It” Mindset: This attitude is driven by a need to control or “fix” a problem, either in the outer situation or within ourselves. We may want to “correct” what’s wrong or soothe an internal discomfort triggered by what we’re hearing. This attitude reveals itself externally as statements, impatient and dismissive comments, judgment, and a rush to solution. This inner need to fix frequently leads us into reaction mode.

2. The curious “I wonder” Mindset: In this mindset, we approach with genuine openness and curiosity. We have no hidden agenda, no pre-fixed opinions. We don’t make assumptions, nor rush to solve or to judge. Our questions are open, our listening spacious. This attitude allows us to focus on understanding impacts rather than managing them, giving us the freedom to explore rather than control. This is the basis of true listening to understand.

Every time we encounter disagreement, vulnerability, or emotional tension, it’s our underlying mindset—to fix or to wonder—that shapes how we listen.

a group of people, no matter how talented, will find it difficult to connect and cooperate if they’re caught in a cycle of reactive, "fix-it" oriented listening.

Tuning In: The "Frequency" of Understanding

Think of our listening like tuning a radio. When we’re on the same wavelength as someone else, we pick up the signals clearly, and communication flows effortlessly. When we listen with a fix-it mindset, it’s as if we’re off-tune, stuck on our own frequency (the “me” is in the way). Even if we think we’re “helping” by suggesting solutions, we’re actually listening for the cues that fit our frequency—focusing more on our own perspective, rather than aligning with the other person.

With a curiosity mindset, on the other hand, we adjust our frequency to match theirs (with “we” as the full scope). It’s about hearing beyond the words and being receptive and getting attuned to the meaning beneath. In this way, we hear the full message. We’re on the same wavelength, focused not on how we’ll respond but on understanding what they’re truly expressing. More importantly, we are cultivating a shared experience.

In listening to understand, we set aside the interference of our own assumptions and bring clarity to the other person’s message, hearing it as they meant it.

Reversing the Game: Take care of your "inner game" prior to the outer ones

To resolve the outward issue of ineffective listening, we must journey deeper, examining not only our attitudes but also the way we tune into others, the lens through which we filter realities, the inner theatre that is in play when we conduct our interactions.

The real work isn’t about quickly fixing external issues, but about cultivating inner quietness and spaciousness, allowing true understanding and insight to emerge.

The reward for this work is profound: a new level of clarity, a reality that refreshes our perceptions and leads us toward genuine connection and growth.

As the “Synergy Squad” team began to recognize their default “frequencies,” they shifted their focus to understanding rather than reacting. This subtle change from listening to react to listening to understand transformed the group’s dynamics, leading to deeper connection and a shared focus on solutions that emerged organically. They weren’t “fixing” anymore; they were collaborating and co-creating.

The next time you find yourself in conversation, debate, or disagreement, ask yourself:

• Do I feel a strong urge to “fix” things quickly, or am I willing to pause and understand it fully?

• What attitude am I carrying into conversations? Am I motivated by anxiety or curiosity?

• Am I “tuning in” to my inner frequency, focused on my own reactions, or am I adjusting my frequency to align with the other person’s perspective?

• In moments of tension, can I recognize when I am listening to react versus when I am listening to understand?

Taking that moment to recalibrate your "inner game" could be the most powerful step toward deeper understanding, meaningful connection, and great teamwork.